For those of you who haven’t been able to keep up with all the drama in the wild world of chess, this all goes back a few weeks ago when Magnus Carlsen and Hans Niemann played each other at a tournament. Magnus Carlsen is the #1 player in the world, and both players are “grandmasters”. Which is pretty much the same thing as being a first team all-pro. But anyway, Magnus Carlsen lost that game against Hans Niemann and then immediately withdrew himself from the tournament because he thought Hans Niemann, who has a history of cheating, was cheating. You can get caught up with all of that here.
This move rocked the chess world to its core, and it got everybody talking. Including another chess grandmaster named Hikaru Nakamura, who does a bunch of chess shit on Twitch. On one of his streams he was talking about how Hans Niemann could have possibly cheated in the game and the main culprit was, just as everybody would suspect, a set of vibrating anal beads which would be able to tip him off on what moves to make .
You can read the chess rulebook all you want. You can go from cover to cover. I highly doubt that anywhere in there you will find a rule that expressly prohibits players from shoving a bunch of vibrating beads up their asshole to gain a competitive edge in a game. Personally I think anal beads in chess should be encouraged rather than prohibited, but that’s another discussion for another day. The fact of the matter is that the #1 player in the world lost to an up and coming superstar, and the result was so shocking that its led some people to believe the only way it would be possible is if he shoved beads up his ass . I’m starting to think there’s a need for a chess podcast to keep up with all this shit.
And that brings us to today. Magnus Carlsen was playing an online match against Hans Niemann. I’d assume this is the first time these two were playing each other since the scandal at the Sinquefield Cup. And after playing just one move, Magnus Carlsen resigned from the game like a little baby back bitch.
The list. I don’t know a damn thing about chess. But what I do know is that’s a chicken shit move. You want to try to bury the dude for people a cheater just because you lost a game? You better be prepared to beat his ass the next time you guys play. You can’t lose, cry about cheating, and then quit after one move the next time you play. That’s the hockey equivalent of slashing a dude in the back of the knees after the whistle and then always jumping off the ice every time you’re matched up against the guy for the rest of the game. At some point you need to answer the bell. A good ol’ “nut up or shut up” if you will. This whole ordeal has had a lot of people talking about assholes, but he seems to be the biggest one at the moment.
At the end of the day, we need to get these two in the same room together. Check all their orifices and have them go at it mano a mano. They’re either going to end up playing the biggest game of chess ever, getting into a fist fight, or making sweet sweet love. 3 possible options on the table here and I’m down for all 3 of them. But it needs to happen to put an end to this once and for all.
PS — There is a small part of me right now that is worried both these guys are in on the joke at this point. I mean this has to be the most that chess has ever been talked about. Do they know the longer they keep this up, the more idiots like me will continue blogging about it and giving the game exposure? I sure hope not. I need this to be some pure, organic hatred. But I’ve been around for too long as this point to know anything can be staged.